Tag: lonely

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I can’t sleep.

It’s nights like these when I wonder if I accidentally drank too much caffeine. I can’t fall asleep, thoughts keep racing through my head. Partly it’s about the events of the last few days, but mostly it’s one of those “what I’ve done with my life” sort of random thought processes.

What does it always come down to? “Why don’t I have a girlfriend?” But then immediately followed by “Do I even really want a girlfriend?”

There’s the laundry list of failed attempts dating back 8 years. The one that hurts above all is the one who all the rest inevitably get compared to. I can’t even say her name, as she may eventually read this, and this is not the way I’d want her to find out my feelings… if I even know my own feelings, hazy as they are; it’s been 3 years since I last saw her, 6 since I met her.

It’s one of those weird cosmic things. If you ever read the stories about how a couple gets together because of some weird coincidence, or some random event that occurs that shoves the two of them together and they live happily ever after — this is the complete opposite. Through random occurrence, spooky events, and yes, a fair dose of lack of courage on my part, we never got together. It was close though.

It’s one of those things that’s always in your head. A vow to yourself. My vow is that if I ever run into her again, I will not let her get away. Fate, it seems, wanted to make it difficult. So I’ve left it up to fate.

[long pause while I think of something to type]

It seems the only way I can stop dwelling on the distant past is to start dwelling on the more recent past. I already know which of the missed opportunities of the last year will be the ones that will keep me up at night years from now.

You’d think I would do something about it. But, what if I run into her? What if it’s while I’m on a date with another girl? Fate would love to do that to me.

I hate my subconscious mind. It’s always the worst case. I want to go to sleep, but it’s not over yet.

And tomorrow’s gonna be a long day at work.

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Profiles

I need an option on my Yahoo! Profile under “Marital Status” that’s not “Single And Looking” or “Single, Not Looking.”

Something along the lines of “Single And Bitter.”

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Hrm.

Sometimes I just feel like I’m standing still and the rest of the world is moving past me.

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AX Day Three

It’s all over. I can’t remember if I spilled the beans here or not, but this was 5XL’s last concert. We mean it. And when I say “we mean it,” we mean it more than “this is our last song” and then 30 seconds later break out an encore that we honestly weren’t planning on doing.

It was an effort of passion, something we did because it was fun, we did it for the fans, the glory, but certainly not for the money… ’cause it cost us way more than it made. It was quite a ride, and now it’s time to take a break.

Changing gears, it’s time for some mini-updates.

  • It happened again. A completely different conversation, a completely different situation, and of course, a completely different girl. “My boyfriend” jumps out of the conversation and into my long term memory, a burned-in audio clip that will echo around for too long of a time.
  • So if AX fans line up for hours for an event they already have tickets for, how long do they wait for the tickets themselves? I woke up and went to my staff shift at 8am this morning as was surprised by quite a long line already outside. Little did I know, it was actually the third segment of the line, and the first person had actually started lining up at one in the morning. Insanity. Pure insanity.
  • On the way to the concert, my mom got a flat tire. Only later, I find out it was more than that. Remember that Firestone recall on Ford Explorers? Well, that’s what happened to her; she had defective tires and one of them blew out.
  • So I invited an old high school friend to the concert today. Of course, he was there before the concert, and left early, so he didn’t get to see my mom. Oh well. It was weird seeing him. I also found out that one of the people he still hangs out with that I used to know in high school is now married… and so the ratio goes up.

Only one more day left. It’s been four days, and I’ve built up enough emotional baggage to last me almost half a year… what a vicious cycle. I’ll have just gotten over everything, and it’ll be the convention season again.

Time for bed, I have to get up early again, of course. My feet hurt so much.

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AX Day One

Okay, so we get a bunch of little updates, as if they were separate entries. (This is what I get when I only get to use a computer once a day… what a raw deal!)

  • These last few days have been draining on my cell phone. I’ve gotten so many phone calls, made so many phone calls, and gotten so many voice mails. The last bit in particular is interesting, because I tried checking my voice mail yesterday and had a bit of a problem. Normally I press ‘1’ during my voice message to interrupt it and check my messages. For some reason, it didn’t work. So I called again, and it still didn’t work. I waited a few minutes, and it still didn’t work. I tried hitting random numbers instead of ‘1’ and managed to send myself a random page. Eventually, I try hitting ‘#’ and, lo and behold, I get my password prompt.

    Before I get my two voice messages, I am treated to a system message warning me that, starting July 3rd, I have to hit ‘#’ instead of ‘1’ to access my voice mail. Keep in mind that it’s July 4th. Grrrr.
    Current Mood: frustrated

  • So not only did it rain at the wedding, but it actually rained, and quite a bit for quite a while, today at the convention. It caused a little commotion, lucky for me I actually had my umbrella with me, ’cause I take my umbrella with me wherever I go. 🙂
    Current Mood: amused

  • I keep hearing two words out of context from a conversation I had today. “My boyfriend.” I’m not gonna elaborate, but I think you can probably guess. Let’s just say that those two words let me save face and gave me closure at the same time.
    Current Mood: wistful

  • I brought my portable DVD player and the little radio shack gizmo I need to hook it up to any TV. Well, it turns out that, in addition to there only being one free outlet in the room, there is a thing on the TV connector that prevents it from being disconnected. So I have to watch DVDs on the little screen instead of the TV. Oh well.
    Current Mood: frustrated

That is all.

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Crossroads

Well, that crossroads in my life is rapidly approaching, and to be honest, I’m scared to make a choice. I knew this week was all about change, I just didn’t expect this. How do you know if someone is just being friendly, or if it’s more than that?

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grrrr

Some guys just get all the chicks without even trying. Why do I even bother.

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The end of the first day

I certainly picked a weird day to start this thing. I’ve been spending the last few weeks in a nostalgic haze, reminiscing about High School and all that, but now I’ve been focusing the same feelings on the present.
All the good ones are taken, damaged, or live 3000 miles away. Dammit.

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I think I’m starting to get sick at the sight of the phrase “happily taken”. As in; every cute girl I meet is… happily taken.